you've got it all wrong

i was talking to my mom the other day and she started talking about an old boyfriend of hers. She said that every day he saw her, he'd give her a little trinket, a candy, something small, anything. Every day, without fail, he'd give her something. When her birthday came along, she hadn't told him about it at all, but he found out through a mutual friend of theirs. So he showed up to her work and when she got out, he was there, with flowers for her. She was so embarrassed by it, she said. But I could tell it made her happy, she didn't want to personally make a big fuss about it but it felt good to have someone else do it for her.

Hearing her talk about this, reminiscing with such nostalgia, I wondered. He obviously adored her quite a bit, and it's hard to deny such adoration, so I asked her what happened. Quite suddenly her tone changed, drastically. She said it just didn't work out. I pressed on, I wanted to know. And I found out. He was killed in a car accident.

Just her tone alone, choked me up. My mom, my poor sweet little mom, could have had her happiness, she didn't have to live this dreadful life she lives. I know she's not happy, but she could have so easily. Then I realized, had she had that life, I would not exist as I do today. But would I give up my life so that she could live hers? I think that if I could, I would. It's difficult to say, knowing there's no possibility. But what would I lose? 

random ponderings. i had more, but i'm feeling so... ambivalent.