There is a mantra in my head that's becoming difficult to ignore. "Berkeley, Berkeley, Berkeley," it's nearly screaming at it. "Move out, move out, move out," it whispers. My head hurts and my emotions are all in turmoil. I'm frustrated by things I shouldn't be frustrated with and depressed by matters that don't even involve me. What is going on exactly? I wish I knew. What I do know is that when I let things get to me like this all I ever want to do is run away. So here I am once more, aching to run away. To where the grass is literally greener and the wind has that permanent chill to it that makes your bones shiver. I ache for this. But now that summer has gone I can get that here and even then it's not enough.
Remind me to stop letting things get to me. Remind me that things get better. Remind me that I've endured this cycle for years and I always manage to get through this. This wont kill me, but I'm also tired of being complacent. I shouldn't have to settle, goddamnit. I should've never hoped for better.
"Hope is a bad thing. It means that you are not what you want to be. It means that part of you is dead, if not all of you. It means that you entertain illusions." - Henry Miller
I think I'm going to apply to CSU East Bay. Just in case.
I'm worried one of these days I'll snap and disappear. I'm waiting for the day I'll leave this town behind.
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