stream of consciousness (excess of words)

it needs to end. it's taking me up and swallowing me whole and burning my skin and breaking my bones and it hurts. my heart hurts like it's never hurt before and it's indescribable and it's painfully obvious that it's not all okay but i'm tired of not being okay. i try to pretend i'm alright and that's not right either. i shouldn't have to pretend to be able to be with you. it's not right it's not fair. i'm draining i'm draining i don't have anything left to give, you've taken it all and i'm still here petrified zombified and i don't know what i'm doing or why i need to get away and i want it to be as easy for me as it is for you.

i repeat myself repeat myself repeat myself. i give myself a headache damn it. i'm making myself sick. i feel sick. i want to sleep in but i want to sleep early i somehow compensate by sleeping late and waking early and i'm all fucked. it's not really going how i wanted. make the best of it try and try it'll be okay. it's not worse is it? yeah it actually is worse i don't think i've ever felt quite so alone even with you there i feel desperate. i want my sleeping pills back but they're all gone from the last time. a little over a year ago this same feeling overwhelmed me and i'm wondering how i ever survived. i know there was a point where i was getting better but i also know before i managed to you came back and it started all over again. i don't know. it hurts. i'm sick to my stomach. i know i won't be able to see you anymore.

even more i hate how every line is about you and how my entire heart is pained by you and how every thought revolves around you and even more how i'm nothing to you.