Nights are very odd for me. There are some nights that I lie awake in bed, laptop bright and open with all the other lights off. I leave music playing and I hum or sing along and blinded by the white light directly in front of me I stare at the darkness surrounding me and it’s the same darkness, the exact same scenario as when I lived at home with my parents and it’s bittersweet. I no longer have to remain quiet at night but my walls are pale and empty from any emotion or memories for the time being. And I feel homesick for a home that never felt like home. But after I’m done being melodramatic I realize it’s still home to me and I continue humming, my head down avoiding the darkness.

I don't do anything on days I work.

I involuntarily sleep late (I don't want pill dependency, though it's so damned tempting) and wake up even later. I lack sleep. I sleep horribly. I don't dream. I toss and turn toss and turn my neck hurts and my back's sore.

I lay in bed and do nothing. Maybe music plays in the background as I read something, a book or someones thoughts but really, I do nothing.

Four hours til I'm due at work.

The countdown begins. I can't do much in a short amount of time. Maybe I should've woken up earlier. But what for? There's never anything to do in the morning. I don't do a lot in general.

At Barnes&Noble yesterday I wanted everything and still want everything. I let myself go.

I want my own place terribly. I baked a cake. Red Velvet. But I'm not hungry.

Yesterday I finished reading: American Gods by Neil Gaiman
Today I started reading: The Perks of Being a Wallflower by Stephen Chboski
Right now I'm listening to Building a Whale by The Velvet Teen

After a few weeks of being all over the place emotionally, I am relishing in the fact that I can relax for once. I have been stressing over all the small and large things lately and it's been taking it's toll on my mind and body. I've been outright cranky lately and been not particularly fond of myself. Not that I usually am, but I digress.

I am once again at a crossroads. Ever since High School ended and none of my plans worked out like I expected I've been toying with ideas and plans and not really coming to any conclusions. This is no different. I still can't decide for shit. If my life depended on it, we can all assume the outcome would be my impending doom.

I purchased a new (old and used, actually) Canon SLR camera for the photography class I'm hoping I can take for the summer. Embarrassingly, though, I've been waitlisted. Again. I'm a bit stressed out about that. But still, there's some semblance of excitement in me.

I can't buy the bicycle I wanted because 1) I have to save up and worry about my car since the accident, which I am now afraid wont make the trip to Berkeley and I'm terrified of telling Carlos because then it's real and 2) I can't order it through Sport Chalet because we are not authorized vendors of Raleigh and it broke my heart.

I have decided that I am just going to take everything one day at a time and hope for the best. It's next to impossible for me, the little nitpicky freak I've become, but I'm trying.

I've decided to buy a new book every two weeks. So essentially twenty bucks of every paycheck is going towards a book. I'm pleased with this.

I haven't been able to sleep well lately. I toss and turn a lot. I've been taking some sleeping pills my sister left behind and they've been working remarkably well, but they're running out and I'm a little nervous of what it'll be like once they're gone.

three conversations.
the same topic.
the same age.
the same dilemma.

what are we going to do with our lives?

i am always lost as to what my next move is. Tell me your problems and I'll help lead you in the right direction. But for some reason I'm always missing insight. I don't know where I'm going and I don't know where I belong.

But I'm tired of planning for tomorrow and I'd like to start living for today.

Carlos and I tried to take Benny to the park today but seeing as he fell asleep on the car ride we decided to just get some In-N-Out and call it a day.