!@#$

After a few weeks of being all over the place emotionally, I am relishing in the fact that I can relax for once. I have been stressing over all the small and large things lately and it's been taking it's toll on my mind and body. I've been outright cranky lately and been not particularly fond of myself. Not that I usually am, but I digress.

I am once again at a crossroads. Ever since High School ended and none of my plans worked out like I expected I've been toying with ideas and plans and not really coming to any conclusions. This is no different. I still can't decide for shit. If my life depended on it, we can all assume the outcome would be my impending doom.

I purchased a new (old and used, actually) Canon SLR camera for the photography class I'm hoping I can take for the summer. Embarrassingly, though, I've been waitlisted. Again. I'm a bit stressed out about that. But still, there's some semblance of excitement in me.

I can't buy the bicycle I wanted because 1) I have to save up and worry about my car since the accident, which I am now afraid wont make the trip to Berkeley and I'm terrified of telling Carlos because then it's real and 2) I can't order it through Sport Chalet because we are not authorized vendors of Raleigh and it broke my heart.

I have decided that I am just going to take everything one day at a time and hope for the best. It's next to impossible for me, the little nitpicky freak I've become, but I'm trying.

I've decided to buy a new book every two weeks. So essentially twenty bucks of every paycheck is going towards a book. I'm pleased with this.

I haven't been able to sleep well lately. I toss and turn a lot. I've been taking some sleeping pills my sister left behind and they've been working remarkably well, but they're running out and I'm a little nervous of what it'll be like once they're gone.

three conversations.
the same topic.
the same age.
the same dilemma.

what are we going to do with our lives?

i am always lost as to what my next move is. Tell me your problems and I'll help lead you in the right direction. But for some reason I'm always missing insight. I don't know where I'm going and I don't know where I belong.

But I'm tired of planning for tomorrow and I'd like to start living for today.