she runs with vampires

well, here i am. another blog, another day, another try.time after time after time i tell myself, "well, i'll keep this blog, that's for sure..." yeah... no. doesn't happen much, does it?

i'm beginning to figure myself out more, little by little. piece by goddamn piece. but maybe with each piece i find i lose another piece of myself? who knows.

i. do. NOT. enjoy. reality.
the plain and simple explanation is... well, obviously that i prefer fantasy. not just any fantasy, oh no. i don't mean aliens and ... well, i'll leave it there because i probably do mean everything else.

maybe.

it's more of a romantic fantasy. hopefully hopelessly romantic of all romantics, fantasy. i want my edward cullen. a boy who's so perfect, so so so perfect, he makes romeo look like a fraud. a boy whose only tragic flaw is... well, he's a vampire. but apparently real boys like that don't exist, because for them to exist like that, in such untarnished perfection, well, that's nearly blasphemy! no such perfection could exist without a tragic flaw! and of course, in reality, the tragic flaw they require cannot exist, for they are unparalled. Oh, yes, because they must be just that tragic.

thus, i prefer my fantasies over the reality of the way things are.

i wonder if i've had my fantasy already. one year ago i would've agreed, no doubt. but what about after? even for the few months after i would've agreed... there's no way i would've endured that pain without thinking it was love love LOVE.

but now? i don't know how i feel anymore. i care about him, no doubt. otherwise i wouldn't throw myself into temptation as i do almost every single day. (my throat's been marked, even... the thought alone makes me giggle with my new obsession with vampires...well, edward cullen really.) yet i can't bring myself to say "i love you" anymore. i never had trouble before and suddenly, no more. if i bring myself to say it, daring myself not to hurt him like he did me, it doesn't sound like me. i feel like a ventriloquists doll speaking with a voice not my own...

but i do love! oh, how painfully do i love! i adore, i love, i want him! always so painfully him. but the fear always manages to hold me back, somehow. the love i so forcibly desire doesn't exist in reality. i wonder if it ever has.

my subconscious is trying to make reality seem less... real. suddenly i start hearing a voice in my head narrating my life, my emotions, the people around me. (in a way others might listen to a tune as their theme music throughout their day...) and suddenly... i feel light. i feel... content. and i don't fight it. when it's not there i feel the weight of life and my un-accomplishments.

...somehow, it's okay. i prefer to live in my head anyway.